


too late

by gravitational



Series: what if [3]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 22:15:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17733641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gravitational/pseuds/gravitational
Summary: He told himself he'd wait a year. Shiro came home on the final day.





	too late

**Author's Note:**

  * For [1146](https://archiveofourown.org/users/1146/gifts).



> Written in response to kirashiro's comment,
> 
> "just a thought: if shiro was gone for exactly 365 days and keith thought he would wait for a year, imagine if the day keith committed suicide was the day shiro was found and shiro wakes up to find keith’s gone, like really gone, and he never got to see him for one last time, to see his private, soft smiles reserved for him again, and maybe the last thing that crosses keith’s mind as he falls asleep is shiro and he dies with a smile on his face fuckfuckfuck why am i doing this to myself"
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

The Castle is quiet.  Too quiet.

Keith had chosen to stay behind while the other Paladins went out on their routine training flight, giving the halfhearted excuse of feeling ill.  Lance had given him a doubtful look, but when he started to protest, Pidge elbowed him, and he subsided.  Distantly, Keith is grateful for Pidge's understanding. He's only glad that he won't be around to see her heartache.

Shaking himself out of his reverie, Keith breathes in shakily and looks around himself once again.  He's on his bed, sitting up against the wall with the blankets pulled over his lap.  He'd locked his door when he walked in, and even though he knows Allura or Coran could get inside if they wanted, he isn't too worried.  The Alteans are monitoring the Paladins' flight, and they'll be occupied for several hours.  He has all the time in the world.

Keith sighs and looks down at his lap. The dagger his mother had left him is sitting there, its blade newly sharpened.  He had spent hours with it last night, ensuring it would do its job when the time came.  Beside it is a silver flask of tequila, something he'd spent far too much on at a space market a few weeks ago.  In the nights before, it'd helped keep the nightmares at bay; now, tonight, it'll help dull the pain.

It's with reluctance that he looks at the third and final thing on the bed with him: a small pad of paper, words scrawled across the topmost sheet.  He'd written the note just minutes ago, and already, the sight of it is enough to make him shudder, its implications scaring him despite his determination.  Keith tears his eyes away, looking, instead, at his arm.  Without the protection offered by his gloves and jacket, his wrist is bare, leaving his numerous scars plainly visible. All of them run horizontally, needle-thin cuts that bled a good amount at first.  Tonight, he knows he'll cut deeper, draw more blood.  What other choice does he have?

Shiro is gone.  Shiro is gone, and even though it's taken him a year to come to terms with it, Keith finally has, although the thought is still enough to break him.  For a year, he's endured the agony of being alone - alone even though he's surrounded by the rest.  Keith sighs quietly and tilts his head back to rest against the wall, dazed eyes on the ceiling.  "I promised I'd wait a year," he tells the darkness of his room, and the way his voice cracks makes him shudder.  "I looked for you every day, Shiro, I thought I could find you, but... I guess I was wrong, huh?" He huffs out a bitter laugh, one devoid of any emotion except pain.  "You're gone..."

Only silence answers him.  The next breath Keith takes is shaky, almost a sob, and he lowers his head, unkempt hair falling into his eyes. He doesn't move to brush it aside; even that much feels unnecessary. It won't matter by the morning.  "I loved you," he says aloud, and then he really is crying, tears running down his face. Keith wipes them away with a rough hand, hugging himself tightly as he doubles over, knees rising to his chest.  "I loved you, Shiro, I fucking loved you and then you  _left_ me - and I never got to tell you - "

He chokes himself into silence, trembling with the effort it takes not to break down entirely.  It feels like eons before, finally, he can sit up again, eyes red and face streaked with tears that still creep slowly down his cheek.  "I loved you," he repeats softly, voice drained.  "I still do.  Even - even now."  Breathing in deeply and looking toward the door, he finally reaches for the dagger, turning it over in his hands to look at the engraving on the blade.  He still doesn't know what it says - he supposes he'll never figure it out now.

Wiping his tears away once again, he sits back with a heavy sigh, touching the flat of the blade to his arm.  "I love you," he says to the shadows, turning the dagger until the point is in the hollow of his wrist. "Maybe I'll see you on the other side."  The thought is enough to bring a faint smile to his face even as he presses down.

The first flash of pain is always the worst, and he chokes on a cry, doubling over his arm, but he can't - won't - stop now. Teeth clenched against unbearable agony, he presses in and carves, a scream rising in his throat as his flesh splits open around the blade. When he finally drops the dagger and collapses back against the wall, he's gasping for air, fresh tears spilling freely as he looks down at the cut. He'd sliced a smooth line from the base of his hand to the crook of his elbow, blood pouring with every twitch of muscle.

_"Fuck,"_ he whispers, and then he's laughing, resisting the urge to reach for gauze and fumble blindly to save himself.  Instead, unstable laughter mixing with broken sounds of pain, he reaches for the tequila, clumsily unscrewing the cap and tossing the contents back in one go. He drops it with a cough, the burn almost outweighing the agony shooting through his arm. "That'll - that'll help," he mumbles, letting his head fall back.

Distantly, he knows he doesn't have long to live. He doesn't care. Keith coughs again, cradling his bleeding arm to his chest with a quickly weakening hand and closing his eyes. Already, he's starting to fade, a year's worth of insomnia and gradual blood loss catching up to him with terrifying haste.  Slowly, his laughter trails into silence, leaving only weak sobs of pain in its wake. It's when the shadows start to fade into light that Shiro returns.

He's kneeling above Keith, cradling his face in one palm. He's talking, repeating his name, repeating words he can't quite make out, and then Keith coughs once and goes still, and now he can hear him. "I'm here, Keith," he's whispering, and his voice is so soft, so kind, that Keith can't help but to smile through the pain. "I'm right here, I'm home..." Shiro's touch is soothing, grounding, and impossibly, the pain begins to fade. Keith reaches for him, feels his fingertips brush Shiro's jaw, and Shiro shifts closer, closer until their lips touch. The kiss is enough to calm him; he goes limp, relaxing into Shiro the way he's always wanted to.

\---

Shiro comes home that day.

Lance finds him drifting in deep space, his escape pod barely able to support him for another minute. They take him back to the Castle, leave him in a healing pod - go to look for Keith. They find him dead, sheets soaked crimson and dagger at his side, a smile on his pallid face.

Keith's body is cleaned, the fatal wound sewn shut; they lay him back in bed with one hand out, palm upturned and fingers limp. They leave the note on his chest.

When Shiro awakens, they welcome him home. At first, nothing can dull the joy of the reunion, but smiles don't reach the eyes of the Paladins. Shiro catches on - he always does - and asks what's wrong. He's met with silence, and realization strikes. He asks, then demands, then screams, sinking to his knees barely seconds after standing, and Hunk reaches for him, helps him up again, leads him down the hall.

Shiro stops short in the door. When he moves again, it's to approach the bed; the Paladins leave in silence, tears falling once the door shuts behind them.

Even through the walls, they can hear Shiro cry.

\---

_Shiro,_

_I promised myself I'd wait a year. I'm so sorry._

_I love you._

_\- Keith_

 

**Author's Note:**

> I really do get off on making these guys suffer, don't I?
> 
> Comments / criticism welcome!


End file.
